What to Do When Limit Setting Doesn't Work

You have been careful several times to calmly and empathically use A-C-T and Choice-Giving. Your child continues to deliberately disobey. What do you do?

1. Look for natural causes for rebellion: Fatigue, sickness, hunger, stress, and so forth. Take care of physical needs and crises before expecting cooperation.
   
   
2. Remain in control, respecting yourself and the child: You are not a failure if your child rebels, and your child is not bad. All kids need to "practice" rebelling. Remember: At this very moment, nothing is more important than your relationship with your child, so respond in a way that respects your child and yourself. If you find yourself feeling angry at your child and losing control, walk outside or to another room.
   
   
3. Set reasonable consequences for disobedience: Let your child choose to obey or disobey, but set a reasonable consequence for disobedience. Example: "If you choose to watch TV instead of going to bed, then you choose to give up TV all day tomorrow" (or whatever is a meaningful consequence for child).
   
   
4. Never tolerate violence: Physically restrain the child who becomes violent, without becoming aggressive yourself. Empathically and calmly REFLECT the child's anger and loneliness; provide compassionate control and alternatives as child begins to regain control.
   
   
5. If the child refuses to choose, you choose for him: The child's refusal to choose is also a choice. Set the consequences. Example: "If you choose not to (choice A or B), then you have chosen for me to choose for you."
   
   
6. ENFORCE THE CONSEQUENCES: Don't state consequences that you cannot enforce. If you crumble under your child's anger or tears, you have abdicated your role as parent and lost your power. GET TOUGH! When you don't follow through, you lose credibility and harm your relationship with your child.
   
   
7. Recognize signs of more serious problems: Depression, trauma (abuse/neglect/extreme grief/stress). The chronically angry or rebellious child is in emotional trouble and may need professional help. Share your concern with the child. Example: "John, I've noticed that you seem to be angry and unhappy most of the time. I love you, and I'm worried about you. We're going to get help so we can all be happier."