Rule of Thumb:
   "Be a thermostat, not a thermometer!"

Learn to RESPOND (reflect) rather than REACT. The child's feelings are not your feelings and needn't escalate with him/her.

When your child's feelings and behaviors escalate, you can learn to respond in a helpful way, rather than simply reacting and allowing your feelings and behaviors to escalate, too.

Remember: In-control parents are thermostats; out-of-control parents are thermometers.

Example:

    Emma comes home from her soccer game, and you ask how it went...
      "It was dumb. The referee is a cheater and liked the other team better!"

    At this point, you can reply as a thermostat (goal is to respond to the child)
    _____________________________________________________

    Or a thermometer (goal is to react to the child).
    _____________________________________________________


Answer:

    Thermostat: "You feel disappointed in the way the game went."

    Thermometer: "Don't go blaming the ref. I bet you could've played better!"

One response facilitates conversation; the other escalates negative emotion.


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