Here is a true story from a sixth-grader at a private middle school in California. She has ADHD.

"Once when we were talking about plants in science, it made me think about my garden and what I was going to plant next year. And that made me think about a new kind of chili pepper that I'm going to try to plant for my dad because he likes spicy things. And that made me think about the hot dishes he used to eat when we lived in Singapore.

It feels sort of like branches on a tree, and pretty soon I don't know what the discussion is about any more. Sometimes this is good when I'm talking to someone, because it helps me branch out on our conversation. If I'm in class, it helps me bring up new ideas that no one else has thought of. But it also hurts me in class because I don't always fully get what the teacher is saying.

Sometimes I have complicated ideas that I can't explain to others. That really frustrates me, and I get upset with the person for not getting it! I guess you could say I cry pretty easily. This really bugs my mom. Sometimes I have the same sort of problem when I need to ask a question. I get stuck on a question because I can't formulate it. And I have the same problems when I'm trying to write down my ideas for a paper. That's what it's like to have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder."

In past newsletters, the counseling center has asked our readers, "What topics would be helpful to you in a counseling center newsletter?" One of the topics that surfaced was ADHD (or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). In the next two newsletters, I will attempt to give a quick overview of ADHD. This month, I will address what ADHD is NOT; next month I will address what ADHD IS.

Part I: What ADHD Is NOT

Myth: ADHD is a devastating, overwhelming problem.

Truth: Although ADHD is a condition that makes it difficult for children to control their behavior, it is not insurmountable or impossible for children with ADHD to reach their full potential.

Myth: Most children have ADHD these days.

Truth: Although it is one of the most common chronic conditions of childhood, and it affects 4% to 12% of school-aged children (about 3 times more boys than girls), it is not as widespread as we sometimes think. Remember, it is normal for all children to show some of the symptoms of impulsivity, inattentiveness or hyperactivity from time to time. What seems like ADHD might simply be a child reacting to stress at school or home. He may be bored or going through a difficult stage of life. Or he may be acting age-appropriate, but others in his life don't know that. (If you are wondering what is "normal" for your child's age, check into books by Louise Bates Ames. They are short, concise, and very helpful.)

Myth: A child who is quite often hyperactive or absent-minded probably has ADHD.

Truth: A lot of "hyper" or "spacey" children do not have ADHD. A child can act that way when he is reacting to challenging moments every day…dealing with a new lesson at school, handling chores at home, or trying out for the soccer team. Being "hyper" or "spacey" sometimes is perfectly normal. ADHD is not diagnosable unless the child's behavior is considerable. (This means that the child's behavior "causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.")

For more information, look in next month's newsletter for Part II: What ADHD IS

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Disagreement with your spouse. Frustration with your kids. Depressed about work. Sometimes the abundant life doesn't feel that abundant. So when we feel like this, what are we supposed to do with those feelings? Push them away and try to move on? Express them freely, just get them out there? This class will take a look at how we're wired emotionally, and show how a good understanding of our emotions can lead to better relationships . . . and ultimately to a deeper relationship with the One who matters most.

Join Chuck on Wednesday nights at 6:30 pm at First Baptist Church in Melissa, TX. The church is located at 2600 State Highway 121. For more information, you can email Chuck at chuckroberts@cbcmckinney.com. It's FREE and no reservations are required. We'd love to see you there!

Rule of Thumb: "Encourage the effort rather than praise the product"

Praise: Although praise and encouragement both focus on positive behaviors and appear to be the same process, praise actually fosters dependence in children by teaching them to rely on an external source of control and motivation rather than on self-control and self-motivation. Praise is an attempt to motivate children with external rewards. In effect, the parent who praises is saying, "If you do something I consider good, you will have the reward of being recognized and valued by me." Overreliance on praise can produce crippling effects. Children come to believe that their worth depends upon the opinions of others. Praise employs words that place value judgments on children and focuses on external evaluation.

Examples: "You're such a good boy/girl." The child may wonder, "Am I accepted only when I'm good?" "You got an A. That's great!" Are children to infer that they are worthwhile only when they make A's? "You did a good job." "I'm so proud of you." The message sent is that the parent's evaluation is more important than the child's.

Encouragement: Focuses on internal evaluation and the contributions children make-facilitates development of self-motivation and self-control. Encouraging parents teach their children to accept their own inadequacies, learn from mistakes (mistakes are wonderful opportunities for learning), have confidence in themselves, and feel useful through contribution. When commenting on children's efforts, be careful not to place value judgments on what they have done. Be alert to eliminate value-laden words (good, great, excellent, etc.) from your vocabulary at these times. Instead, substitute words of encouragement that help children believe in themselves. Encouragement focuses on effort and can always be given. Children who feel their efforts are encouraged, valued, and appreciated develop qualities of persistence and determination and tend to be good problem-solvers.

Examples: "You did it!" or "You got it!" "You really worked hard on that." "You didn't give up until you figured it out." "Look at the progress you've made…" (Be specific) "You've finished half of your worksheet and it's only 4 o'clock." "I have confidence in you. You'll figure it out." "That's a rough one, but I bet you'll figure it out." "Sounds like you have a plan." "Knowing you, I'm sure you will do fine." "Sounds like you know a lot about_____________." "Thanks, that was a big help." "It was thoughtful of you to___________" or "I appreciate that you____________." "You have a knack for __________. Can you give me a hand with that?"

In summary, encouragement is:
1. Valuing and accepting children as they are (not putting conditions on acceptance)
2. Pointing out the positive aspects of behavior
3. Showing faith in children, so that they can come to believe in themselves
4. Recognizing effort and improvement (rather than requiring achievement)
5. Showing appreciation for contributions

Adapted from Dinkmeyer, D., & McKay, G.D. The Parent's Handbook, (1982). Circle Pines, Minn: American Guidance Service.


The top predictors of women's marital happiness, in order of importance:
(Over the next several months we will highlight one of the seven top predictors)

Traditional gender attitudes.
Wives who hold more traditional gender attitudes--e.g., who believe that wives should focus more on nurturing/homemaking and husbands should focus more on breadwinning--are happier than wives who hold more feminist attitudes. One reason this may be the case is that traditional-minded wives probably have lower expectations of what their husbands can and should do for them emotionally and practically. We also find that more traditional-minded wives spend more quality time with their husbands, perhaps because they are less likely to argue with their husbands about housework and childcare.

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