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Shadow of Freedom
by John Woodruff, MA, LPC-Intern
Many teens come into my office not wanting to be there, however someone in his or her life feels it is necessary for this teen to have help. I don't know if they need help, or if their parents need help, but I do know I need help. I sit with them often wondering and praying, "God, what are you doing in this kid's life? What are you doing in this family's life?" Just as there is no quick fix in counseling, I do not receive a quick fix answer from God to my questions. So we all three sit together wrestling with why are we here. "Why do my parents want me here and I don't want to be here. I would rather be with my friends, playing video games, or anything else but here?" God may be asking, "Why are these two people so bound to something else and blind to me?" I ask, "Why am I here in this particular moment with this person?"
A few Sundays ago I was sitting in church somewhat bored with the preaching and began to ask the same question, "Why am I here in this particular moment?" Then it slowly started to come to me like a crack in a dam where the water slowly works itself in and seeps out the other side gaining more and more momentum as the crack gets bigger and bigger. The crack was a simple word that came through the church speakers and reverberated in my head to wake me from my boredom. It was FREEDOM!
Stories and faces of my clients flooded my head, as well did my story. We all ache for true freedom, but no one has a clue what that is nor will admit that we would rather be bound to things than to be free. We may have experienced a small dash of freedom at times but more often than not we forget those times and still search for it, shackling ourselves to anything and everything that has some shadow of freedom.
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Parent Tip - The Middle Years, What to Expect: Family
Child:
- Feels loved, accepted and valued in the family
- Shares feelings and experiences with family members
- Gets along with brothers and sisters most of the time
- Shares or takes turns (games, toys, TV, computer)
- Enjoys being part of the family and doing fun things together
- Helps out with simple chores, follows family rules
Parents:
- Show love, affection, and respect
- Set aside time each day to talk and play with child
- Support and supervise child's activities
- Praise good behavior, efforts, and accomplishments
- Have family meals together as often as possible
- Arrange fun family activities
- Set reasonable rules and consequences
- Help child learn how to solve problems with brothers and sisters
- Teach child to value and celebrate family heritage
When to Seek Help
If your child:
- Is often silent or unwilling to share feelings with family
- Does not want to join in family activities
- Stays in her room most of the time; often seems sad or sullen
- Acts angry or disrespectful with family members
- Refuses to help with chores or follow family routines (bedtime, mealtime)
Or if you, as parents:
- Find it hard to talk with your child or spend time together
- Often feel upset or angry with your child
- Feel that your child's personality does not "fit in" with the family
- Need help resolving conflicts in your family
- Are facing major family changes or stresses (divorce, job loss, substance use)
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Exercise: Nurturing Fondness in Your
Relationship - WEEK 5 | | Adapted from: 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, by
John M. Gottman, Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., and Joan DeClaire; Three Rivers Press, 2006
"Have you ever had a gripe or an angry thought about your partner that you just couldn't release? Perhaps you had an argument and afterward you just kept playing that same negative thought over and over again in your mind. Or maybe you were feeling sad or angry for some other reason, but negative thoughts about your relationship kept coming up as well.
Our research shows that continually replaying negative thoughts about your partner can contribute to a downward spiral of distance and isolation in a marriage.
One solution is to train your mind to replace what we call 'distress-maintaining' thoughts about your partner with 'relationship-enhancing' thoughts. Doing so takes time and practice, but it's worth it because it can build feelings of fondness and admiration in your marriage."
We will feature a few of Gottman's tips in each of the next few newsletters. You may want to purchase a journal to write your entries in, or if you don't like writing just spend some time thinking about these topics and your ideas. It will take some time, but as someone once said, good marriages take time but bad marriages take even more time.
Here are this month's relationship-enhancing thoughts:
| Think | | Do | | I was really lucky to meet my spouse.
| | Write one benefit of being married to your spouse.
| There is a lot of affection between us.
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| Plan a surprise for your mate for tonight.
| We are genuinely interested in each other.
| | Think of something to do or talk to your spouse about that you both find really interesting. Have that conversation. |
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There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life in Christ has set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1-2
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