I know that it is important to be aware of my short-comings, but there are times when my preoccupation with personal disappointments makes me less available to those around me; perhaps you're this way as well. I suppose it's good that I expect things out of myself. I'm not so sure however, that the extent to which I get preoccupied with myself is always helpful. Sometimes I wonder if what the Devil would most want from us would be to be so preoccupied with the things that we haven't achieved that we're no longer available to those around us. Who has God put in your path? Who does God have in your daily life for you to relate to? What are their temptations? What are their struggles? What are their insecurities? What are the things that keep them from loving? What are the things that keep you from loving them? When I'm preoccupied with my failings, the dreams that haven't yet come to pass, places in my life where I've not achieved my full potential, I'm usually not thinking about my son's day at school, what he's gone through, the classmate who's been picking on him, the things that excite him. When he comes home and wants to tell me about his day I'm somewhat preoccupied with the things that perhaps I need to do to be better. At least better according to what I think better is. I would submit to you that God believes that better is always connected with love - if it's an accomplishment, if it's a failure, a good thing, a bad thing. If you can give it to him and to someone else in the context of love it can be miraculous. Perhaps the best thing that you can do if you have an insecurity or a failure is speak to someone else about it. Do it for the purpose of being free so that you can focus on them, so that you can be available for them; let them know about it. Wrestle with God about it, for the purpose of love. And don't think that God is so concerned with what we achieve, with how smart we are, with all the ways that we think we need to be excellent. I don't think that God worries so much about that. I think that God worries about loving other people and using the gifts that he's given us, for the purpose of love.
Hopefully this will be an encouragement to you. Many of us have ambitions that are really good. We want good things. We want to achieve good things. They're not immoral. They're not wrong. Perhaps you're this way or perhaps you have a friend that's this way. Perhaps what that person most needs is encouragement to realize their goals, to realize their ambitions, but perhaps what they need more is to be admonished to set those aside if they get in the way of love. I had a grown man once tell me that he would have much preferred his father to have been a failure and available than the success that he was along with the distance that this man had had to endure. He wanted his dad to have been there. Failure wasn't such a big deal to the son; failure was a big deal to the father. The son simply wanted a dad to be involved in his life. And for all of you perfectionists out there, strive to do a good job, hold yourself to a high standard, but be willing to lay down your ambition at the cross if it gets in the way of love - because whatever does get in the way of love is of no use to God and will not further his kingdom.
Rule of Thumb: Big choices for big kids, little choices for little kids.
Concept 5 Choice-Giving to Enforce Household Policies and Rules
Choice giving can be used to enforce household policies/rules. Begin by working on one at a time. In general, provide two choices: one is phrased positively (consequence for complying with policy), the other is stated negatively (consequence for not complying with policy). Consequence for noncompliance should be relevant and logical, rather than punitive, and must be enforceable.
Example: A household rule has been established that toys in the family room must be picked up off the floor before dinner (children cannot seem to remember without being told repeatedly and the parent is feeling frustrated with constant reminders and power struggles). "We are about to institute a new and significant policy within the confines of this domicile" (big words get children's attention!). "When you choose to pick up your toys before dinner, you choose to watch 30 minutes of television after dinner. When you choose not to pick up your toys before dinner, you choose not to watch television after dinner."
Note: Be sure to let children know when there are 10-15 minutes before dinner, so they can have time to pick up their toys.
Children may be able to comply the first time you announce this new policy, because you have just informed them. But it is important that you begin to allow your children to use their internal resources and self-control to remember the new policy without constant reminders (remember, the new policy was implemented because you were frustrated and tired of nagging!). So the second night, the parent says, "Billy and Sarah, dinner will be ready in 10 minutes, it is time to pick up your toys," and walks out. When it is time for dinner, the parent goes back into room to announce dinner:
1. The toys have not been picked up: say nothing at that moment. After dinner, go back into family room and announce to children, "Looks like you decided to not watch television tonight." Even if children get busy picking up the toys, they have already chosen not to watch TV for this night. "Oh, you're thinking that if you pick your toys up now that you can watch TV, but the policy is that toys have to be put away before dinner." After children plead for another chance, follow through on the consequence, calmly and emphatically stating: "I know that you wish you would have chosen to put your toys away before dinner, so you could choose to watch TV now - tomorrow night you can choose to put your toys away before dinner and choose to watch TV." Some children will choose not to watch TV for several nights in a row!
2. The children are busy picking up toys and have put most of them away: parent says (as she helps with the few remaining toys, which demonstrates spirit of cooperation and prevents delay of dinner), "It's time for dinner - looks like you've chosen to watch TV after dinner tonight."
Next month: Concept 6 Guidelines for Choice Giving in Relation to Limit Setting and Consequences
Excerpt from: Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT)
The top predictors of women's marital happiness, in order of importance:
(Over the next several months we will highlight one of the seven top predictors)
A breadwinning husband.
American wives, even wives who hold more feminist views about working women and the division of household tasks, are typically happier when their husband earns 68% or more of the household income. Husbands who are successful breadwinners probably give their wives the opportunity to make choices about work and family-e.g., working part-time, staying home, or pursuing a meaningful but not particularly remunerative job-that allow them to best respond to their own needs, and the needs of their children.
Jill Dillashaw
Staff Counselor
jilldillashaw@cbcmckinney.com
Favorite verse: Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know I am GOD."
TV Shows: The Amazing Race
Music: Nicole Mullen, Aaron Jeffrey, Natalie Grant
Books: Dee Henderson Novels, Recommended Daily Bible readings from CrossWalk.com
Hobbies: Reading, playing games with my family, laughing with girlfriends, and anything sports related with my family
Dream Getaway: Anywhere with a beach!!!
Most Adventuresome Thing Ever Done: Until my kids are older and I can compete on the Amazing Race . . . I guess it would have to be numerous ride alongs with Austin and Waco Police Departments! I truly salute the men and women who protect us.
3 People at Fantasy Dinner: Joseph- the one with the colorful coat! I would want to learn more about how he made the most of life's difficult circumstances- abandonment, being forsaken by your family, accused unjustly, etc. I would also ask about forgiveness and moving on in difficult relationships. Dr. Sandra Chapman- the head of UT Center for Brain Health. I would question her to the point of exhaustion discussing the latest research and discoveries in the field of neuroscience. Last, but foremost, I would love to sit with Jesus Christ this side of Heaven! I would soak in His wisdom on compassion for others, serving others, and loving well.
Education/Experience: Baylor University: Major in Psychology, Minor in Religion; SouthWestern Seminary: Masters in Marriage and Family Counseling, Masters in Religious Education. I have counseled in both private and non-profits. I was with Waco Police Department, where I helped co-found the Victim Services Department. I have also been with The Women's Shelter, where I worked with families, teens and children.
You can read more about Jill on her staff page on our website.
If you are reading this as a forward from a friend - join our mailing list so you can get it directly in your inbox next month!
And if you have a few moments, we'd love it if you filled out our Newsletter Survey!
