As a marriage counselor, I highly recommend the new book from NavPress titled Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage by Michael and Chuck Misja. This book offers real hope to everyone who is married. In fact, while it is a good title, I am afraid some people will say, “My marriage isn’t difficult, so this isn’t the book for me.” And that would be a shame, because this book has a lot to say to every married person. In a sense, every married person is in a difficult marriage. I say that as a man who is happily married and would never choose anyone else as my wife. But if both parties to the marriage are truly alive, fully engaged with their intellects, emotions, and wills, there will be difficulty. You’re going to clash. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve failed, you have a bad marriage, it’s just the reality of relationships. It can add richness to your marriage, in fact, if you see differences as a blessing. To paraphrase Ruth Graham, if we both agree on everything one of us is unnecessary.
What I appreciate so much about Thriving Despite is that it keeps the focus where it
should be, on me and my own sinful heart in the context of my marriage. Many Christian marriage books are focused on “how do I manipulate my partner into the behavior I want so that all my needs are met and I feel happy and fulfilled.” Of course, they’re not so blatant about it, but when you boil it down, that’s really what they’re saying.
The Misja brothers define the problem of difficult marriages like this:
“Simply put:
- Your spouse does not offer what you long to receive.
- He or she does not ask of you what you desire to give.
- Consequently, you suffer the pain of disappointment.
Your basic problem is:
- You have difficulty keeping your heart alive and good in the face of ongoing, painful disappointment."
Now you might read what I’ve written so far and think, “They sound pretty uncaring. It doesn’t sound like they offer any hope at all.” The truth is that they come across in the book as very caring, and the effect of what they say is to offer the only true hope we really have (or need): no matter what happens to me in this life, including in my marriage, God will be with me and he offers personal change, deep joy, and a richness of life even in the midst of my pain. Here is their definition of what hope looks like in their “Thriving Despite” model:
Your hope is that God will give you the wisdom, courage, and
strength to defeat the Enemy’s attempts to corrupt your heart
so you can remain alive and passionate. With a thriving heart
you will be able to live vibrantly and allow God to offer a powerful
love through you to whomever he puts in your path, especially
your spouse. The result is that God will be honored and
life will be immensely fulfilling.
Of course, there are very tragic things that happen in marriages, including affairs and abuse, and the Misja brothers deal very thoughtfully and carefully with this.
Here is a thought-provoking excerpt from the last page of Chapter One:
“What If:
You believed God was less concerned with whether or not your needs were being met and more concerned with the state of your heart?
You were able to give up all efforts to become happy by trying to
change your spouse?
You no longer desired to show your spouse how poorly you are
being loved?
You had the capacity to accept your spouse as he or she is and have a lifestyle of forgiveness?
You knew God’s grace in a way that freed you from guilt and shame
so you could honestly explore the ways you don’t love well?
You believed in God’s love for you so deeply that you were confident you could love strongly and wisely no matter what?
You committed to finding purpose and passion for life that didn’t
depend on your spouse’s response or approval?
Your heart was no longer characterized by bitterness, despair, pride, or apathy?
You were able to disengage from the destructiveness of your marriage while developing a desire to constructively engage in what was God-honoring?"
If you’re struggling in your marriage consider reading this book. It offers rich, thoughtful help. Sometimes it’s helpful to get a fresh perspective on the issues from someone who will gently and lovingly listen to your problems in a completely confidential setting. If we can help with that please call us at 214.585.4859.
A link from NavPress to a PDF of the first chapter of the book: http://www.navpress.com/images/pdfs/9781600062148.pdf
Rule of Thumb: Big choices for big kids, little choices for little kids.
Concept 6 Guidelines for Choice Giving in Relation to Limit Setting and Consequences
- Enforce consequence without fail and without anger.
- Consequence is for "today" only - each day (or play session) should be a chance for a fresh start; a chance to have learned from the previous decision and resulting consequence; a chance to use internal resources to control self and make a different decision.
- Reflect child's choice with empathy, but remain firm. Consistency and follow-through are critical!
- Communicate choices in a matter-of-fact voice. Power struggles are likely to result if the child hears frustration or anger in the parent's voice and believes the parent is invested in one choice over another. The child must be free to choose the consequence for noncompliance.
Caution: Once your child has reached the stage of "out-of-control," your child may not be able to hear and process a choice. Take a step back and focus on your child's feelings, reflecting her feelings empathically, while limiting unacceptable behavior and holding her if necessary to prevent her from hurting herself or you.
Suggested reading for parents: "Teaching Your Child to Choose," Parenting, October, 2002.
Excerpt from: Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT)
The top predictors of women's marital happiness, in order of importance:
(Over the next several months we will highlight one of the seven top predictors)
A commitment to marriage.
Wives who share a strong commitment to the norm of lifelong marriage with their husband—e.g., who both believe that even unhappily married couples should stay together for the sake of their children—are more likely to have a happy marriage than couples who do not share this commitment to marriage. Shared commitment seems to generate a sense of trust, emotional security, and a willingness to sacrifice for one’s spouse—all of which lead to happier marriages for women. This shared commitment also provides women with a long-term view of their marriage that helps them negotiate the inevitable difficulties that confront any marriage.
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