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How Do You Take Criticism of Your Views?
Recently several people have asked me 'how do you deal with harsh criticism?' In each case, the inquirer had felt stung by what they felt were unfair attacks on him or her. In this internet age, anyone can have their views censured unfairly by people they don't know. So what do you do when that happens? Here's is the gist of the counsel I give people when they ask me about this. For years I've been guided by a letter by John Newton that is usually entitled "On Controversy." read rest of the article... |
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We were nearing the end of our 8-day mission trip to Guatemala, and we were driving to the mountain village for our last day of construction work. It had been an exciting trip for me, but I was ready to be done with it. I missed my wife and I was annoyed with a few members of the group. I'd had it, and it showed in my attitude.
We reached the village and went to work carrying cement blocks to the area where we would be laying them that day. A coworker showed me another way to stack the blocks that he considered better. I didn't say anything, but I groused around in my mind about the man and how picky he was about details. A few minutes later he told me to move a few blocks that weren't stacked his way, and I snapped at him that I wasn't the one who'd put them there. Another item to add to my list of reasons why I couldn't wait to get out of there. read more... |
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| Parent Tip - Special Time |
Special Time is an occasion for you to enjoy being with your child by paying attention to her natural, positive behavior during play. This isn't a time to correct, teach or improve your child; it is a time to enjoy him as he is today by noticing the special details of his behavior. Special Time is an activity that was designed to enable parents and children to have this type of positive experience together. Here is how this activity is done:
1. Set aside 15-20 minutes every day or two during which you are free from other responsibilities and you can focus on your child. This is not a time for taking care of other children, cooking, and so forth; this is a time simply to be with your child.
2. Introduce the activity by saying something like, "Now it's our special time to play together; what would you like to do?" Let your child choose what the two of you will do, as long as the choice is appropriate. Watching television does not work for Special Time because it is not active. Almost all play activities work fine.
3. Sit down, relax, and watch how your child plays, noticing the little ins and outs of her games, physical activities, and imaginative play. Then, describe what she is doing, moment to moment, so that she knows you see and appreciate what she is doing. This type of description is like what a sportscaster does during a football or basketball game, namely, describing the action as it unfolds. Use an interested, lively tone of voice.
4. It is important to remember what not to do, as well as what to do. Do not give any directions, guidance, advice or instruction. It is okay to ask your child questions to clarify what he is doing, but do not quiz him about his play.
5. From time to time, express some appreciation or praise for what your child is doing. Let her know that you enjoy the pleasant time you are spending together (e.g., "I like it when we play together like this"). Also, express approval of his activities (e.g., "What a big tower of blocks you built!", "Good job putting those pieces together," and "That was quite a story you told with those puppets"). It's also nice to intersperse occasional hugs and pats on the back during Special Time.
6. If your child begins to misbehave, ignore the misbehavior; turn away and stop attending to the child for a few moments. If the misbehavior continues, tell the child that Special Time is over because it cannot continue unless she behaves nicely.
Special Time might not seem like much at first, but it's actually quite a lot. This activity has a quiet but strong form of value because it helps parents and children increase their appreciation and enjoyment of each other.
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| 1 Corinthians 2:9 |
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." |
Exercise: Nurturing Fondness in Your
Relationship |
Adapted from: 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., and Joan DeClaire; Three Rivers Press, 2006
"Have you ever had a gripe or an angry thought about your partner that you just couldn't release? Perhaps you had an argument and afterward you just kept playing that same negative thought over and over again in your mind. Or maybe you were feeling sad or angry for some other reason, but negative thoughts about your relationship kept coming up as well.
Our research shows that continually replaying negative thoughts about your partner can contribute to a downward spiral of distance and isolation in a marriage.
One solution is to train your mind to replace what we call 'distress-maintaining' thoughts about your partner with 'relationship-enhancing' thoughts. Doing so takes time and practice, but it's worth it because it can build feelings of fondness and admiration in your marriage."
We will feature a few of Gottman's tips in each of the next few newsletters. You may want to purchase a journal to write your entries in, or if you don't like writing just spend some time thinking about these topics and your ideas. It will take some time, but as someone once said, good marriages take time but bad marriages take even more time.
Here are this month's relationship-enhancing thoughts:
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| I genuinely like my partner. |
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List the one characteristic you find most endearing and loveable. Write about the time your partner showed this side best.
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I can easily remember the joyful times in our marriage.
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Pick one joyful time and write a short description of it. |
| My partner has specific qualities that make me feel proud. |
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Write down at least one characteristic. Under what circumstances do you usually feel this way. |
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Tim Keller article