LOVE-pathways to resolving differences

   L-listen and repeat; people sometimes feel misunderstood because they are misunderstood-when that happens they often stop listening and begin to focus on how to make the other understand. Instead, begin to listen and reflect both content and feeling until the other feels understood (not necessarily agreed with, but you understand what the other is saying). Then the listening partner can ask whether the other would like to know what he/she is thinking.

   O-observe your effects-be vigilant to cues that the other doesn't understand, and if this happens stop talking and ask questions like: "What did you understand me to say?" and then perhaps, "I'm sorry I came across that way. What I was trying to say was . . . "

   V-value your partner-strive to value, not devalue

   E-evaluate the interests of both partners-don't get locked into "my solution is the only solution"-examine any underlying interests you have in a particular outcome.

(Competent Christian Counseling, Clinton and Ohlschlager, pp. 471-2)

COMMUNICATION

Ways to Reject Feelings:

1. Defend/explain-"The reason I said that . . . " or "What I meant was . . ."
2. Apologize-(refers to a "too quick" apology that doesn't really own the harm, or done before hearing the other's feelings)-"I'm really sorry that . . ." or "I shouldn't have said that . . ."
3. Attack-"I admit what I did was wrong, but you . . . " or "Well, maybe you're right, but what I can't understand is why you . . . "
4. Advise-"Maybe you should . . . " or "It seems to me that if you . . . "
5. Disdain-"I don't really see why you feel . . . " or "Gee, honey, there's no need to feel . . ."
6. Correct-"What I think you really mean is . . ." or "I don't think you feel . . ."

Ways to Accept Feelings:

1. Reflect-"It sounds as if you feel . . ." or "Guess you really felt . . . when . . ."
2. Clarify-"Are you saying that . . .?" or "I wonder if you feel . . .?"
3. Explore-"I'm not sure what you mean . . ." or "When else do you feel like that? I don't quite understand how you feel about . . ."
4. Extend-"You really felt . . .? Did you also feel . . . ?" or "I can see that you feel . . . If I were in your shoes I might also feel . . . Do you feel like that?"

(The Marriage Builder, pp.83-84; Larry Crabb)

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